I once worked with this accountant guy, who would walk around the office saying, “Same pair of jeans, different pocket.” It was his slang for the familiar saying, “Robbing Peter to pay Paul.” To him, money was the same no matter which bank account it came from (I didn’t say he was a good accountant). He was a doofus kind of guy, typical nerdy numbers man, can’t even remember what he looked like, but I never forgot his quote.
My dad always carried his keys and loose change in his pockets. Wallet in the back right pocket, his keys in the front left, mixed in with nickels and dimes. Myself? I’ve learned never to put my car keys in any of my pockets after I water-logged the key fob in the washer from forgetting to clear out my pockets. Then I found out how much those fobs cost to replace. Never. Again.
Pockets today are designed differently from yesteryear’s. Frequently advertised as an added feature, you’ll see the “5-pocket” everywhere. That fifth pocket is a joke. It’s not like you can put anything in it. What? Taxi money? Your spare key? A dog treat? And if you do, I can guaran-damn-tee ya’, you will forget about it and all will be in this week’s wash. That fifth pocket is for decor only. Don’t use it.
Now a days, almost all of my pockets harbor food. Dog food and dog treats and dog biscuits. Filled with anything peanut butter flavored, we use dog treats to keep our big mutts in line. You’ll find ’em in my pant’s pockets, coat pockets, vest pockets, even shirt pockets. I have it down to a science: Jean pockets will hold around one large handful of treats, each; Coat pockets can hold up to 50 or so dog biscuits; Vests, somewhere around a cup’s worth if in the outer pockets, less if using the inside ones. Shirts, not so much. Only use the shirt pocket if going through your bank’s drive thru teller and you specifically ask for a dog treat. Tuck that baby in the pen pocket to award your canine for sitting so sweetly in the back seat later.
On walks, both girls know I carry treats in my pockets to reward good behavior. Amore especially, will block my path with dandelion hopes of getting a treat. Ten feet down the trail and she’s body blocking me for a kibble. Dolce is more discreet. She’ll dog our steps three feet from behind so she doesn’t miss out when the goods are distributed. She’s right there, eyeing our hands and elbows just in case they rise above the waist line as we reach into the pocket. Dolce is quick to align herself front row and center when the treats come out of hiding.
The other day, the weather just cold enough to need an outer garment, I grabbed my down vest as we were leaving to walk the dogs. To my dismay, I discovered last year’s crumbs when I stuffed my hands in the outer pockets. Uck! Dolce and Amore were all over that once they got a whiff.
It used to be I could wear my jeans several times before throwing them in the wash. Until dogs. Until Dolce and Amore. Now I need to pull out my pockets to shake out the dog treat debris. Now crumbs and broken pieces of dog biscuits accumulating deep in the caverns of my pockets need to be shop vac ‘d out. Now, I am a poster child for nose dribble and muzzle drool deposited from Dolce and Amore poking in my pockets, sniffing out treats.
And now, after one wearing, my jeans look and smell like peanut butter dog treats, sometimes worse, depending on where the nose has been. I do lots of laundry and I check out the pockets. All of them.
And now, for some reason, every time I pull out my pockets to shake out the crumbs, I think of doofus saying, “Same pair of jeans, different pocket.”