Yes. I spoil our girls. Rotten.
A trip to the pet store buys them a treat of smoked pig’s ears or a cow’s hoof. Just b’cuz. Cruising through the aisles, I’ll nimbly toss into my cart peanut butter nibbles and pull toys. Sometimes its a doggy cookie frosted with cute little sayings. Other times it might be a jerky treat or a rawhide.
Of course, if the packaging has a Berner on it – it’s a given. I’m buying it. And then there’s Costco…..
“Oh! Look honey!” I yell over the clamor of Costco shoppers. I’m pointing to a dog treat package that has a picture of a Bernese Mountain Dog sitting proudly on the bottom corner. Malcolm is five carts away grabbing his Mexican Coke.
“We should get these for Dolce and Amore,” I state as I’m tossing two packs onto the Costco flatbed.
“Geezus! They’re $27 bucks each! Put ’em back!” Malcolm has sticker shock. He shoves the packages back in their bin and tries to push the cart on down the aisle.
“But the girls will love’em and it has a Berner on it!” Like that justifies the cost and the purchase.
“We are not spending $50 some odd dollars just because it has a Berner on the packaging – you don’t even know what it is!” thinking that will close the conversation down and we can get the hell out of Costco.
“Yes, I do, they’re Bull Sticks or if you want the technical name, PENIS. PENIS. PENIS.” I repeated. Well that certainly garnered some stares from strangers. Malcolm grabs the package to read the labeling. That starts another tirade.
“Geezus! These things cost over $2 a piece! There’s only twelve in the pack.”
And then he did the calculations.
“Holy Mother of Gawd! It’s over twenty dollars a pound. We don’t even buy filet steak for ourselves for that much and you’re gonna buy it for our dogs?”
“And your point being?” I dug my heels in deep. My stubborn Swedish heritage was kick’n in. His frugal Scottish blood was simmering but not boiling. I had this one in the bag.
“Fine! I’ll only get one package.” I relented. “We can always buy more later,” I added under my breath as I put the single package of Bull Sticks on top of the bag of lemons. Oops. He heard that. Malcolm shot me that look. You know, that look husbands give wives that wives almost always ignore. I gave him one back. You know, the one wives gives to husbands when they are being a male. A male that has no understanding of a female.
We bought the Bull Sticks.
Many spent dollars later, we begin the trek back up the hill to Santa Fe. “Now don’t be giving them to the girls all at once. Dole’em out slowly so they’ll last,” Malcolm lectured me on the drive home. “I know, I know, I’ll space them out to last It will be for special ocassions.” I gave him the answer he wanted. I knew the girls would love them. And they did.
Luv’ed them so much that one night a few weeks ago, we walked in from being out and found bits of plastic packaging scattered throughout the room. The room was decimated with small pieces of plastic stuff.
“Oh crap!” Malcolm heard me shouting as I walked into the house first. Well, actually my language was much worse than a simple “crap”. Every swear word that rhymes with “duck”, “luck” and “truck” spewed from my lips. “What did you two do?” I asked Dolce and Amore. Hearing me from out in the garage, Malcolm hesitated coming on through. He knew there had to be a mess and he knew if he waited in the garage long enough, perhaps I would be the one to clean it up. He didn’t know what, just that he didn’t want to deal with it. What he didn’t realize was the girls had counter-surfed the kitchen and nabbed the Bull Stick package. Twelve sticks missing. One $27 bag of Bull Penis’ ripped and shredded throughout the room. I have no doubt it was Dolce, our sneaky instigator. Just as I have no doubt that Amore quickly joined in to get her share of the loot. They both looked guilty. And pretty damn pleased with themselves.
When I went to grab the broom to clean up their mess, I saw an unopened Bull Stick bag sitting above the garage refrigerator that Malcolm had purchased on his last trip to Costco. I chuckled to myself, knowing Malcolm is just as bad as I am.
Like I said, spoiled. Rotten.